There is no hope here. Nope. None at all.

Death

tfaduh — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 13:17:54 +0000

DIE DIE DIE DIE

Scarring makes your heart more prone to arrythmias

tfaduh — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 09:20:34 +0000

That’s it you see.

I think for a long time more this nonsense will haunt me.

It’s PTSD on a much smaller scale.

If someone stabbed you with a knife, you will remember it for a long time. And you will learn to fear knife carrying people even if they mean no harm. You will always suspect, doubt.

I will be strong for now. But you’re pretty shit. You’re pretty shit for driving a knife in there in the first place.

The whole experience resonates within my mind and it feels in my chest acutely again. The words that were used… so cold, so cruel.

Why would you do that?

Why? I can never come up with an answer.

People are shit.

tfaduh.

I have to admit…

tfaduh — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 20:54:20 +0000

sometimes I just don’t feel loved.

It’s like I’m not in a relationship even though I am.

I know I have friends who love me too.

But here, TBH I’m bored of them. It makes me not want to hang out with them. Hence it makes me more isolated.

I dunno what the solution to this is.

At the moment I’m prolly feeling too shitey to think of anything. I just hope that inspiration can strike me and that I’ll find a way.

I feel quite lousy when I think I spent 2 years here and my most significant experience here was 1+ year ago. Everything else is pretty much nothing awesome at all. I must be doing nothing and losing myself.

tfaduh.

Identity crisis

tfaduh — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 17:10:56 +0000

I think one of the reasons why I’ve been feeling so bad these years. Wow, 2 years of it. Is because I’ve denied my own true identity to be someone who I’m not again. I thought I learnt once upon a time to accept myself and life was great. Somehow expectation has gotten me back into this hellhole to be someone I’m not. And the competition! That piece of shite thing. What good is competition? It is almost as good as war. What is it good for? Making life shitty. This false identity is not truly false, however, it is only parts of me. I have other parts that I deny myself thinking that this would make me better. It’s all bullshite. I’ve been so uncomfortable for so long and I didn’t know why. Now I do. No one knows me here or Singapore. In fact, I don’t think anyone knows me anymore.

Dude, you’re awesome as you are. Accept yourself and love yourself again.

I think you fear losing things you have right now. But I think you just need to risk it. If you lose it, then it was not worth having anyways and definitely ok losing.

Love yourself again. I think you may need to find yourself again. I don’t think you know who you are anymore. Find yourself. Love yourself. To heck with whoever and whatever. Your life rules. You’re awesome. That’s good enough for me and good enough for you. And that will be better than most other people out there.

tfaduh.

Tragic.

tfaduh — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 20:14:54 +0000

[4:13:04 AM] tfaduh: I wanted to make you feel something tonight[4:13:14 AM] tfaduh: but all I got was still nothing in the end.[4:13:17 AM] tfaduh: tragic.

Hopeless.

All I got was sympathy and excuses.

Pathetic.

Girls are shit.

tfaduh.

The fire within

tfaduh — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 17:52:41 +0000

I feel the need to kill something. It burns within me a heat that makes me irrational, illogical.

It does not help that there is no panacea nor that time is taking too long to get myself well.

It is becoming an incredible annoyance to add to my ire.

Oh I want to kill something, yet I know, I feel it that no matter how many I kill I will not be satiated. This is not a hunger for blood. This is just simmering rage.

An unfulfilled promise. A thirst for vengeance. Yet once more, I know that none of that would extinguish the madness.

tfaduh.

Analgesia

tfaduh — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 11:00:31 +0000

I’m numb to all that is happening. I have no idea where it stems from. I had no idea and it isn’t forthcoming ever yet. At this moment my love fades for someone I hold dear to me. I am afraid of losing it altogether…

but I can’t think of it right now. I can’t feel it anymore. It’s like a movie I watched a week ago, faint remainders that can’t affect me. I feel like I’m doused up in a good dose of morphine. I feel numb. And yet, I can’t escape the feeling that something inside me is horrendously wrong still. It’s just, that feeling can wait for now.

I know I’ll wake up tomorrow needing another dose, and another and another…

I wonder if I can trust her. There was once upon a time I did, and it was so wrong. So very very wrong in the end.

I’m not ready, give me another pill.

tfaduh.

When the world…

tfaduh — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 13:00:25 +0000

…crashes around you as a matter of bad luck. If you are not already on the ground then you shall fall and watch whilst everything crumbles around you.

No matter how many times you feel the crash, it always feels the same. Bringing me back to the lands despair.

Gotta be strong

Gotta push on.

tfaduh.

Dream dream dream…

tfaduh — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 01:30:39 +0000

Weird dream… [9:15:58 AM] tfaduh: Faced with people with unsurmountable principle based conflicts. [9:16:33 AM] tfaduh: No real solution. [9:17:12 AM] tfaduh: Only semi solution would merely be the wisdom of tolerance [9:20:11 AM] tfaduh: People with intense beliefs and unshakable principles are scary and unwise. May do regrettable things [9:20:28 AM] tfaduh: but nothing you can do. [9:21:08 AM] tfaduh: Most times these beliefs are intense enough to not go away despite proof of anything else. And they may bring themselves to the grave with it. [9:21:50 AM] tfaduh: This strange lack of tolerance in some people is distressing. [9:26:18 AM] tfaduh: If you want to be the glue for many different sets of people who cannot get together… I’m not smart enough or wise enough for a best solution but at the moment my solution would merely be keeping things superficial at best (the current ‘normal’ solution that happens. Completely un-ideal.) or creating a similar environment with suitable suffering, similar enemies and similar goals (a better solution no doubt, but requires much planning and effort and logistical powers plus many other practical things, not easy just ‘brought out’. May not be important enough to ‘bring out’ at whim. [9:27:37 AM] tfaduh: Interesting how Singapore employs the latter technique already within National Service. Intentional or not, it has proven time and time again to bond whoever it is that has gone through it, rich or poor, smart or silly, idealistic clash or not. [9:28:24 AM] tfaduh: If it were intentional, I would come to wonder about how much more intelligent some of these people are.

The Anti-social

tfaduh — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 17:36:32 +0000

At times on a quiet night like this, I feel the pinch of loneliness. I log on to facebook and everyone seems to be so close to each other, all with a set of friends who constantly post replies to all the silly little quips put up there. It makes me feel that they are being cared and in contact. Myself? I seem to find facebook-ing unsatisfying and hence leading me to feel as though I’m not being cared for. And as such my reply rate diminishes over time from the people who are waiting for me to say something funny. As of now, I reckon it’s only the fanatical who remain. Thanks dear. I love you.

It is my fault in the end for this curse of mine. This anti-social bug plus quick to be bored debuff, together with the out of sight, less in mind wiring in my head, this drifting away seems inevitable. Slowly but surely I drift away from all the people I know. I find myself taking less interest in the people I know unintentionally and updating myself with everyone doesn’t seem to motivate me at all.

In the end, I reckon I’ll be alone whilst everyone else has their own good time. It has always turned out this way. I always end up on my own looking out for new things and new people. For argument sake’s, it perhaps may turn out to be a good thing after all. But to me, right here, right now, it’s lonesome tonight.

tfaduh.